I took my band way across the land
But too much *** can destroy a man
See, I emptied all my glands
Inside the emptiness of all my fans

I spent all of my testosterone
Giving all my favorite fans a bone
It's hard on my hair, living like a dog
And tonight the devil is riding a hog

Night is falling, the curtain's calling
My bio clock is ticking so fast

And it's gonna be, Hell Toupee, Hell Toupee
Can't stand losing my hair this way
Hell Toupee, Hell Toupee, not now, no way

Other day, I was doing the bump
Then I found myself taking a dump
It gave me time to contemplate
The state of my hair and its terrible fate

Spent my life fighting off the pigs
Drinking beer and a smoking cigs
Stealing riffs and a blowing gigs
But now I'm stuck googling for wigs

Skin is glowing, dome is showing
My bio clock is ticking so fast

And it's gonna be, Hell Toupee, Hell Toupee
Can't stand losing my hair this way
Hell Toupee, Hell Toupee, not now, no way

Hell Toupee, day by day
Always thought that my hair would stay great
Hell Toupee, Hell Toupee but it's way too late

Night is falling, curtains are rolling
My bio clock is ticking away

And it's gonna be, Hell Toupee, Hell Toupee
Can't stand losing my hair this way
Hell Toupee, Hell Toupee, no, not now, no way

Hell Toupee, razor blade
It's genocide of my hair today, Hell Toupee
Hell Toupee, Hell Toupee
Don't fade away, not now, no way