I came home the other night as drunk as I could be
I saw a horse in the stable where my horse ought to be
I said to my wife, my pretty little wife, explain this thing to me
What's this horse doing here in the stable where my horse ought to be

Well, you old fool, you blind fool can't you plainly see
It's nothing but a milk cow that my mother send to me
Ah, I've traveled this wide world over, ten thousand miles or more
But a saddle and a bridle on a milk cow I never did see before
(A saddle and a bridle on a milk cow I never did see before)

I came home the next night so drunk I could not see
And there was a hat on the hat rack where my hat ought to be
I said to my wife, my pretty little wife, explain this thing to me
What's this hat doing here on the hat rack where my hat ought to be

Oh, you old fool, you blind fool can't you plainly see
It's nothing but a chamber pot my mother send to me
Ah, I've traveled this wide world over, ten thousand miles or more
But a J.B Stetson chamber pot I never did see before
(A J.B Stetson chamber pot I never did see before)

I came home the next night as drunk as I can be
I spied some pants upon the chair where my pants ought to be
Well, I said to my wife, my pretty little wife, explain this thing to me
What are these pants doing here on the chair where my paints ought to be

Oh, you old fool, you blind fool can't you plainly see
It's nothing but an old dish rag that my mother send to me
Ah, I've traveled this wide world over, ten thousand miles or more
But cuffs and a zipper on a dish rag I never did see before
(But cuffs and a zipper on a dish rag I never did see before)

I came home the next night as drunk as I could be
And there was a head on the pillow where my head ought to be
I said to my wife, my pretty little wife, explain this thing to me
What's this head doing here on the pillow case where my head ought to be

Oh, you old fool, you blind fool can't you plainly see
It's nothing but a melon that my mother send to me
Ah, I've traveled this wide world over, ten thousand miles or more
But a mustache on a mashmelon I never did see before
(A mustache on a mashmelon I never did see before)

It's a good thing I not of a suspicious nature