And now we wish to honor you with
The story of Joseph Smith, the American Moses

Well, this is very good, praise Christ

Mormon

I'm going to take you back in time
(Mormon)
To the United States, 1823
(Mormon)

A small and odd village called Upstate New York
(Upstate)
There was disease and famine
(So sick)

But also in this village lived a simple farmer
Who would change everything
His name was Joseph Smith

Hiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiya Joseph Smith, American Moses
Praise be to Joseph, American prophet man

Aye, my name is Joseph Smith
And I am going to ***k this baby
What?

No no Joseph, don't ***k the baby
Joseph Smith, don't ***k the baby

Suddenly the clouds parted
And Joseph Smith was visited by God
Joseph Smith, do not ***k a baby
I will get rid of your AIDS, if you ***k this frog

Hiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiya

Joseph Smith ***ked the frog God gave him
And his AIDS went away
Then a great wizard named Moroni came down
From the Starship Enterprise

Joseph Smith, your village is ****
You shall lead the villagers to a new village
Take these ***king golden plates

Away

And on the plates were written the directions to a new land
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
(Sal Tlay Ka Siti)
Joseph tried to convince all the villagers
To follow him and his golden plates

Liberation, equality
No more slavery for Upstate Mormon people

I got de golden plates
(Gold plates)
I'm gonna lead the people
(We head West)

We gotta stick together
(Mormons)
We gotta help each other
(We're Mormons)

And so we climb the mountain
(We head West)
And we cross the river
(We head West)

And we fight the oppression
(Mormons)
By being nice to everyone
(We are Mormons)

Not so fast Mormons, you shall not p*** my mountain

Down from the mountain look who comes
The American warlord Brigham Young

Yes, I am Brigham Young
I cut off my daughter's ****oris
That made God angry so he turned my nose
Into a **** for punishment

Brigham Young, his nose was a ****oris
What will you do Joseph, will you fight the ****oris man

Not fight him, help him

Oh

Joseph Smith took his magical ***k frog
And rubbed it upon Brigham Young's **** face
And behold Brigham was cured

Joseph Smith magical AIDS frog
Brigham Young, frog on his **** face

Brigham Young was so grateful
He decided to join the Mormons on their journey

Comp***ion, cutesy
Let's be really ***king polite to everyone

I got de golden plates
(Gold plates)
I'm gonna lead the people
(We head West)
We gotta stick together
(Mormons)

Now comes the part of our story that gets a little bit sad
(Oh)
After traveling for so long, the Mormons ran out of fresh water
And become sick with dysentery

Water go to the water, water go to the cup
Cup go to the stomach, **** come out the butt
**** go in the water, water go in the cup
**** go down the stomach, **** come out the butt

Ugh, oh ***k
Oh no, the prophet Joseph Smith is now getting sick

**** go in the water, water go in the cup
Cup go to the thirsty, **** go to the stomach
Blood come out the butt, blood go in the water
Water go in the cup, cup go to the tongue
**** blood in the stomach, **** blood in the mouth
**** blood on the insides, water come out the butt

Brigham Young you must take the golden plates
And lead the Mormons to the Promised Land
Plghh
Desperation, mortality, loss of faith

I got de golden plates
(Gold plates)
I'm got to lead the people
(We head West)
We gotta stick together

Even though their prophet had died
The Mormons stuck together
And helped each other and were really nice
To everyone they came across

And then one day the Mormons finally found
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
(Sal Tlay Ka Siti)
And there, the Mormons danced with Ewoks
And were greeted by Jesus

Welcome Mormons
Now, let's all have as many babies as we can
And make big Mormon families

***k your woman, ***k your man
This is all part of God's plan
Mormons ***k all that they can
We're in Salt Lake City land

Thank you, thank you but now we are ***king
Thank you, thank you, but God wants us ***king
Thank you, thank you, but get back to ***king
Thank you, thank you, God

Joseph Smith ***k frog
Brigham Young **** face
**** come out the butt
Jesus says ***k, ***k
Mormons