A fine romance, with no kisses
A fine romance, my friend this is
We should be like a couple of hot tomatoes
But you're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes

A fine romance, you won't nestle
A fine romance, you won't wrestle
I might as well play bridge with my old maid aunt
I haven't got a chance this is a fine romance

A fine romance, with no kisses
A fine romance, my friend this is
We two should be like clams in a dish of chowder
But we just fizz like parts of a seidlitz powder [unverified]

Yes, a fine romance, with no glitches
A fine romance, with no *****es
You're just as hard to land as the Isle De France
I haven't got a chance this is a fine romance

A fine romance, my good fellow
You take romance and I'll take jello
You're calmer than the seals In the Arctic Ocean
At least they flap their fins

To express emotion a fine romance with no quarrels
With no insults and all morals I've never mussed the crease
In your blue serge pants I never get the chance
This is a fine romance

Yes, a fine romance, my dear, duchess
Two old fogeys, who need crutches
True love should have the thrills that a healthy crime has
But we don't have the thrills that the march of time has

A fine romance, my good woman
My strong, age in the wood, woman
You never give the orchids I sent a glance
No, you like cactus plants, ha ha this is a fine romance

A fine romance, my dear duchess
Two old fogeys, who need crutches
True love should have the thrills that a healthy crime has
You know Louis, we don't have half the thrills
That the march of time has

You telling me fine romance, my very good woman
My strong, aged in the wood, woman
You never give the orchids I sent a glance
No I prefer Cactus plants this is a fine romance