It's a beautiful day for the race
Stu Chan is the favorite today
Assault is in there
Dog Bisquit is three to one

Safety pin has been scratched
And at twenty to one, Feitlebaum
Now the horses are approaching the starting gate
And, eh, there they go

And it's Stu Chan going to the front
Cabbage is second on the rail
Beautiful Linda is third by a length
And Feitlebaum, around the first turn

Stu Chan is still in front
Cabbage is second by a head
(Cabbage by a head)
Beautiful Linda is third
And Feitlebaum into the back stretch

Dog Bisquit is now leading the pack
Lady Avalon is second, very close
Banana is coming up through the bunch
(Banana coming up through the bunch)
And Feitlebaum

At the half Stu Chan still out in the front
Apartment House is second with plenty of room
Assault is passing battery
(Assault and battery)
Notary's Old Jack is fourth

And in last place by ten lengths I believe it is, yes
It is Feitlebaum around the turn heading for home
It's Stu Chan and Dog Bisquit and Girdle in the stretch
Flying Sylvester is third and Mother-In-Law nagging in the rear
(Oh, oh, oh)

And now they come down to the wire
And it's number one and now number two
And it's very close
It'll either be a photo finish or an oil painting

And now Louis speaks with the left
And Louis is in there
Slugging and it's a battle
And now they are tearing hair

There's hair all over the ring
There's hair all over the place
I don't know whose hair it is
It' mine and there goes the winner