I heard there is no Christmas
In the silly Middle East
No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus
They have different religious beliefs

They believe in Muhammad
And not in our holiday
And so every December
I go to the Middle East and say

Hey there, Mr. Muslim
Merry ***kin' Christmas
Put down that book, 'The Koran'
And hear some holiday wishes

In case you haven't noticed
It's Jesus' Birthday
So get off your heathen Muslim ***
And ***kin' celebrate

There is no holiday season
In India, I've heard
They don't hang up their stockings
And that is just absurd

They've never read a Christmas story
They don't know what Rudolph is about
And that's why in December
I'll go to India and shout

Hey there, Mr. Hinduist
Merry ***kin' Christmas
Drink egg nog, and eat some beef
And p*** it to the Missus

In case you haven't noticed
It's Jesus's Birthday
So get off your heathen Hindu ***
And ***kin' celebrate

Now I heard that in Japan
Everyone just lives in sin
They pray to several Gods
And put needles in their skin

On December twenty-fifth
All they do is eat a cake
And that is why I'll go to Japan
And walk around and say

Hey there, Mr. Shintoist
Merry ***kin' Christmas
God is gonna kick your ***
You infidelic pagan s***

In case you haven't noticed
There's festive things to do
So let's all rejoice for Jesus
And Merry ***kin' Christmas to you

On Christmas Day, I travel 'round the world and say
Taoists, Krishna's, Buddhists and all you atheists too
Merry ***kin' Christmas to you
Thank you, Mr. Hat