Well, I've heard he's into leather
And what they both do when they're together
The curtains twitch in suburbia tonight
And I've heard that they're not real brothers
Because their mom went with another
Taproom gossip in suburbia tonight

As the mother's meet and it does the rounds
Hasn't Sheila Jackson piled on the pounds?
It wouldn't spread much quicker if you put it on the internet

What's going on at number 34?
Kev says there's bodies buried underneath the floor
But this isn't murder it's just genocide
Can you believe that Keeley's with him again?
A clever lass but she's daft when it comes to men
Walls have ears and there's nowhere to hide

And in the corner shop all the rumors start
With the dirty looks and the sly remarks
It wouldn't spread much quicker if you put it on the internet

She's had a black one, she's had a white one
She's had a brown one
And Johnny reckons that he saw her in the chemist
Buying something for the weekend
I'm telling you it's true 'cause my cousin is her best friend

Have you heard that Sue's expecting?
Well, Mark says 'cause Donna texted him
Chinese whispers, spies in mother care
Apparently he's off the wagon
He's been seen in the George and Dragon
Put your eyes back in don't you know it's rude to stare

As all the decent people sleep in decent beds
In preparation for another day of decentness
If that's so decent then I'll be something else

She's had a black one, she's had a white one
She's had a brown one
And Johnny reckons that he saw her in the chemist
Buying something for the weekend
I'm telling you it's true 'cause my cousin is her best friend

Black one, she's had a white one
She's had a brown one
And Johnny reckons that he saw her in the chemist
Buying something for the weekend
I'm telling you it's true 'cause my cousin is her best friend

She's had a black one, she's had a white one
She's had a brown one
And Johnny reckons that he saw her in the chemist
Buying oral contraception
It can't be for her hubby 'cause he can't get an erection

She's had a black one, she's had a white one
She's had a brown one
And Johnny reckons that he saw her in the chemist
Buying something for the weekend
I'm telling you it's true 'cause my cousin is her best friend