Well, when you get a haircut, you better go back home
When you get a haircut, get a barber you have known
Since you were a little bitty boy sittin' in a booster chair
'Cause you might look like Larry, Moe or Curly
If a stranger cuts your hair, oh Lord

Well, butte, Montana just a'passin' through, one thing I just had to do
Had to get a haircut and I was worried for my hair
I had a feeling of impending doom the minute I stepped into that room
And laid my eyes upon that barber chair, oh yeah

It was a macho barber shop
Hair dryers were mounted on a rifle rack
Were no mirrors, the barber chair was a Peterbilt
Barber walked in, he was huge, seven feet tall
Three hundred pounds of spring steel and raw hide
Wearin' a hard hat, chewin' a cigar, had a T-shirt on
Said, 'I hate musicians'
Threw me in the chair, sneered and said, 'What'll it be pal?'

Now a lot of people would be intimidated in a situation like this
I was not, I am what I am, play my piano, and sing my little songs
I looked him right in the eye and I said, 'I'm a logger
Just up from Coos Bay, Oregon, been toppin' trees
Quite possibly the toughest man in the entire world'
He said, 'All right'

He gave me a haircut and I walked out of there
My hair was gone, made Kojak look like Bill Golden
Yeah, had a tremendous craving to operate heavy equipment
Now, you may think that butte, Montana haircut's the worst
Any man could ever get, wrong

Well, a few months later I was in L.A., truckin' along on a smoggy day
I needed a haircut so bad I looked like Bozo The Clown
I was looking shaggy, not too good, I'd put it off as long as I could
And Lord, I hate to get a haircut out of town

Well, I walked in and realized immediately
That this guy was into punk rock, the walls were done in black leather
Had chains and whips and handcuffs hangin' on 'em
Barber walked in, he had orange hair, black mascara
Stainless steel teeth, black leather jacket with zinc studs

He threw me in the chair, hit me a couple times, whap, whap
Chained me down, threw a Nazi flag over me
Said, 'I'm gonna tell you something
That might make you a little nervous', I laughed, 'Ha ha ha'
I said, 'What could possibly make me nervous?'
He said, 'I'm Gay'

No problem, I'm not threatened in any way
I mean, I'm secure in my manhood, everything is cool
I am what I am, play my little piano sing my little songs
I looked him right in the eye, I said, 'I'm a logger
Played football in high school, I was in the marine corps'
He said, 'All right', and he gave me a haircut

I walked out of there, friends, my hair was purple
Well, at least that Mohawk section down the middle was purple
Had a white streak down one side, other side looked like Mr. T
Had a couple safety pins in my cheeks
Felt a teeny bit conspicuous

Luckily, my next job was in San Fransisco
Shoot, I got there and I didn't even stand out at all
Wasn't even close
Those people thought I was an insurance salesman

Well, a few months later, I was way down South
Grits and gravy and hush your mouth
Hair so long I'm startin' to look like a man in drag
It was then that the Sheriff walked up
And said, 'Boy, you got too much hair on your head
You better get yourself a haircut or a dog tag'

Well, when I stepped into the shop
I realized immediately that I was dealing with a born-again barber
Don't see too many barber shops with a steeple
Had an organ in the corner, a choir
An usher led me to the barber chair

Barber walked in, started saying, 'Grace, oh Lord
For these haircuts we are about to receive, may we be truly thankful
Dominus possum pax probiscus
Post mortem, et tu brute, puella carborundum?'

He was sorta half-baptist, half-catholic, kind of a Cathtist
He started cuttin' my hair and preachin' at the same time
I mean he's a wild man, scissors and razors a'flyin' around my head
He's talkin'about the liquor and wild women
And music and sex and the evils of dancing
And the music business in general

Then he looked down at me and he said, 'What do you do for a living?'
Now, I'm not ashamed of what I do for a livin'
Workin' bars and casinos, around liquor and wild women
I just play my piano, sing my little songs
I looked him right in the eye and I said, 'I run this Church for loggers'

When you get a haircut, be sure to go back home
When you get a haircut, get a barber you have known
Since you were a little bitty boy sittin' in a booster chair
Or you might look like Larry, Moe or Curly if a stranger cuts your hair
Oh yeah