He’s a no exit G in the place to be
He goes to Stanford University
And since Kindergarten he acquired knowledge
And after twelve grade he went straight to college

Well, Tom’s a pop culture primate with the IQ of a fetus
Social IQ twenty-five, you know that I mean this
Between his DVD’s clogged arteries and MP3’s
He’s got this antisocial mental brain disease

And I want to break him out, want to show him the world
Want to get him blazed, want to get him a girl
Want to take him camping down in Ventana
Want to enlighten him, like the Dalai Lama

He’d otherwise never known the beauty to be seen
Beyond his flat-panel, PC, LCD screen
But would he care if I took him by the hand
Planned on a trip to Brain-Expansion Land?

I don’t mean to be a pushy REI creep
But you’ll thank me when you’re chilling six feet deep
And the worms crawl in and the worms crawl out
And the worms play PS2 on your snout

No doubt, what I’m about is helping you
To lively up yourself like Marley would do
And we’re picking up more people as we go
Introverted sad humans, no internal glow

We’ve got to keep driving, cars out of our way
I’ve got nascent cargo here on life’s highway
As precious as small birds straight out the shell
Check the chorus, the metaphor explains itself well

Make way for ducklings
Make way for these introverted ducklings
Make way for ducklings
Soon they’ll be existentialist heroes

Okay quiz time now that our trip is done
You all grew socially, learned and had fun
Question one, you’re in class with a hottie named Sue
And one day she walks in and sits next to you

Her shirt says ‘The Sopranos’ and you dig that show
There might be a connection between you two
So do you, A, say, “Hey, I like your shirt”
B, look away, outside at the dirt
C, send her an e-mail, later that day
With a link to a fan site you think is okay or

D, make a joke about HBO’s
Popular, uncensored mafia shows
And catch Sue’s attention with your cultured wit
Working it like Matt Groening works it
Well, the answer is D obviously
Negative points if you said B or C

Next question, “Let’s say you’re a dad with two small kids
And you’re chilling on vacation like your own family did
And you go to Boston because it’s fun
And you go to the park and walk or run

And then you see some birds walking past
Not too slow or not too fast
Do you, A, say, “Kids, check it out
These birds are mobile, without a doubt'

Or B, say nothing and be like, “Whatever
I’ve seen cooked birds that look better”
Or C, toss the birds some candy or fish
Well, the answer is, D and D is this

Make way for ducklings
Make way for those migrating ducklings
Make way for ducklings
Because now you’re an existentialist hero

Shout outs to Tomahawk
Shout outs to the Moonies
Truck Records is in effect
Shout outs to you
Thank you for listening to this song