I spot an active drowning victim from a mile away
I save old men in seas like Hemingway
The swimming pool not taken? Watch out for frost
Don’t get busted like Milton or paradise will be lost

It’s like that, and that’s the way it is
Don’t Run DMC, walk like the other kids
And if you get in trouble, I use a contact dive
I extend my rescue tube to keep you alive

If you’re submerged, I’ll dive feet first
And bring you to a backboard, never to a hearse
Because DOA victims are for amateurs
I do it my safe way, you do it yours

Like Raley’s or Lucky’s or Albertsons
Did the victim hurt his neck? I’m going in
I support your chin, airway and spine
With my head splint technique everything is fine

My E A P is C P R after those rescue breaths
Then I’ll check your airway for respiratory arrest
Then it’s sweep, ventilation and abdominal thrusts
I get the pool toy out I can, will and must

Prepared for emergencies I’ve got my life together
And understand my job keeps you alive like Eddie Vedder
If you’re a stressed-out mom who keeps her children fettered
Your kids are safe today, see, no lifeguard is better

Ten times as reliable mature and fitter
Than your average lifeguard as a water babysitter
Betsy Weeks trained me well at Roble Gym
And I’m slamming into swim safety, not a Slim Jim

Lifeguarding at the pool, lake or the sea
I keep both eyes on your progeny
The Red Cross has got my back like 1 2 3
Because I’m certified

And when I act it’s with informed consent
If you won’t cooperate, I circumvent
And call the cops, best recognize
It’s not wise to distract me as I scrutinize

The pool, it’s called scanning, best take a hint
And shut your mouth, you don’t matter, like lint
Larry Flint might argue that your voice means nothing
But I be like Bush and say for safety it means nothing

I’m disciplined and talented at what I do
And hope to say the same for my lifeguard crew
Because unlike the Insane Clown Posse

We practice our skills repeatedly
And don’t cash in on tentative integrity
Or fire dope producers for more money

Wait, what, where was I?
I guess I got side-tracked
Dissing Detroit high school drop-outs
With new albums that are whack

Back on track, here’s the point, I’m safe, like what?
Making sure the chemical room door’s always shut
See that gardener’s dirty trowel? Well, I don’t
I’m too busy making sure your kids stay afloat

And see that dude who kind of looks like Shrek
But imported like badly dubbed French Star Trek?
Nope, I double check the bubble trek from your kid’s lungs
The shovel speck or smuggled Shrek

Distract no one like me, I don’t notice, no, just your kids
But did I see that kid run? Oh yes, I did
Peripherally, so I’m a lay the smack down
And turn their smiles into one collective frown

Hey kids, stop running, you know the rule
Yes I’m a tool from lifeguard school
But safety is cool here at the pool
And trust me on the sunscreen, don’t be a fool

Lifeguarding at the pool, lake or the sea
I keep both eyes on your progeny
The