The stupid jerk I'm obsessed with
Stands so close to me, I can feel his breath on my neck
And smell the way he would smell if we slept together
Because he is the stupid jerk I'm obsessed with

And that is his primary function in life
To be a stupid jerk I can obsess over

And to talk with that dinghy bim bat blonde
As if he really wanted to hear
About her manicures and pedicures
And new age ritualistic enema cures

And truth be known he probably
Does want to hear about it
Because he is the stupid jerk I'm obsessed with
And he's obsessed with doing anything
He can to lend fuel to my fire

He makes a point of standing
Looking over my shoulder
When I'm talking to the guy who adores me
And would bark like a dog
And wave to strangers if I asked him to

Bark like a dog and wave to strangers
But I can't ask him to bark like a dog
Or impersonate any kind of animal at all
'Cause I'm too busy lookin' at the way

The stupid jerk I'm obsessed with
Has pants on that perfectly
Define his well shaped ***
To the point where I'm thoroughly frantic

I'm just gonna go home and stick my head in the oven
Overdose on nutmeg and aspirin and
Sit in the bathtub reading the executioners song
And being completely confounded
By the fact that I can see

The stupid jerk, I'm obsessed with his face
Defining itself in the peeling plaster of the wall
Grinning and winking
And I start to yell get the hell out a there

You're just a figment of my imagination
Just get a life and get out of my plaster
And p*** me the next painful situation, please
But he just keeps on grinning and winking

He's a stupid jerk I'm obsessed with
And he's mine, in my plaster
And frankly I couldn't be happier