We kept seeing Columbo's car around
First of all we saw it outside Burger King on Byres Road
Badly parked, about five feet away from the kerb
And at the craziest angle, as if he'd stopped there in a hurry

Then my brother saw it outside the place
Where the swimming pool and the badminton courts are
And later again I saw it parked outside the off-license
Closer to the pavement this time, and parallel too

We only ever saw the car parked
But it always seemed to be outside somewhere I liked to go
And then, when we went out for dinner on wee Karn's birthday
And we were hanging our coats up on the coat-rack

We saw Columbo's old mac already hanging there
In amongst all the expensive fur and leather and things
I had a quick look around while we were being taken to our table
To see if he was there, but I couldn't see him anywhere

But then one night
While I was sitting outside on the steps
Playing my Gameboy
I heard a car stopping on the gravel in front of me

And while I tried to decide
Which way 'round to put the L-shaped Tetras piece
That was falling, I felt someone sit down on the steps beside me
And I heard them scratching their head
And then, on the reflection on the screen, I saw that it was him

'Those really are the most fascinating little machines', he said
But I'd built up a whole high pile, which needed a single line
For down the side, and I couldn't look up in case it came

'It certainly is nice around here', Columbo said
And I heard his mac moving as he looked around
The single line I'd been waiting for didn't come though
And soon my screen was filled all the way to the top

So I put it down and asked Columbo
If someone from around here had been murdered
'Not murdered, sir, no', he said, 'I don't think you could call it murder'
'Well, what are you investigating?', I asked him

'Well, sir, it's a case of counterfeit notes
Perhaps you'd call it theft, but I'm not rightly sure
It's new for me, I'll tell you that'
Then he picked up the Gameboy and stared at it, all fascinated

'Could I? Would you mind?', he said
And I showed him how to start up a game
But pretty soon the screen was full and he shook his head
'Well, well', he said

'You know, Mrs. Columbo, she's great at these sorts of things
But me, I just can't seem to get the hang of them'
And he stood up and handed it back to me
'I'm sorry to have troubled you, sir', he said

'I'll let you get back to your game
You know, this really is a lovely area'
And as he walked off down the steps
I watched until he opened the door of his car
And I went to start up another game

But then he stopped, 'Oh, I'm sorry', he said
Holding one hand up in the air, with a cigar between his fingers
And looking down at the ground, 'Just a little thing', he said
And he scratched the back of his head
With the hand that had been up in the air

'With something like that, sir, that little machine you have there
Would someone be able to make samples with that
From records and stuff?', I laughed and shook my head
'That's fine, sir', he said, 'I was just curious'
Then he got into the car and drove away

I didn't think I'd see him again after that, but I was very wrong
I began to see his car around a lot more
Quite often outside the houses of people I knew
And not only that, but just lately he's started turning up
Wherever I might be

Asking me all kinds of crazy questions
About technology and sampling and stuff
Pretending he's trying to learn all about it
It got me quite worried for a while, but I think I'll be alright
I think I've got him foxed, I think I've been way too clever for him