Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American dream
About me, about you, about the way our American hearts
Beat way down in the bottom of our chests

About the special feeling we get in the ****les of our hearts
Maybe below the ****les, maybe in the sub-****le area
Maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys
Maybe even in the colon, we don't know

I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job
I'm your average white suburbanite slob
I like football and ****o and books about war
I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor

My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on my table and a Cuban cigar
But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man
Like me interested, no way
(Oh, no, uh, uh)
No, I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense
(Oh, yeah)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane
While people behind me are going insane
I'm an ***hole
(He's an ***hole, what an ***hole)
I'm an ***hole
(He's an ***hole, such an ***hole)

I use public toilets and piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime saying, 'How about this heat?'
I'm an ***hole
(He's an ***hole, what an ***hole)
I'm an ***hole
(He's the world's biggest ***hole)

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped faces
I'm an ***hole
(He's an ***hole, what an ***hole)
I'm an ***hole
(He's a real ***king ***hole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong, nah
I'm an ***hole
(He's an ***hole, what an ***hole)
I'm an ***hole
(He's the world's biggest ***hole)

Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself
A 1967 Cadillac El Dorado, hot ***kin' pink
With whaleskin hubcaps and all leather cow interior
And big brown baby seal eyes for headlights

Yeah and I'm gonna drive around in that baby
Doing 115 miles an hour, getting 1 mile per gallon
Suckin' down quarter pound cheeseburgers from McDonald's
In the old-fashioned non-biodegradable Styrofoam containers

Yeah and when I'm done suckin' down those greaseball burgers
I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam containers right out the side
And there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it
You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why
Yeah, two words, nuclear ***kin' weapons, okay?

Russia, Czechoslovakia, Romania, they can have all the democracy
They want, they can have a democracy cakewalk right through
The middle of Tienamen Square and it won't make a lick
Of ***kin' difference because we got the bombs, okay?

John Wayne's not dead, he's frozen and when we find a cure for cancer
We're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off
You know why? You ever taken a cold shower?
Well, multiply that by 15 million times, that's how pissed off
The Duke's gonna be, I'm gonna get the Duke and John Casavetti
And Sam Peckinpah and a case of ***kin' whiskey and drive

(Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know, you really are an ***hole?)
Why don't you shut up and sing the song, Chris?
I thought I was the ***hole all the time it was him, what an ***hole

I'm an ***hole
(I'm an ***hole, he's an ***hole)
I'm an ***hole
(He's the world's biggest ***hole)
A S S H O L E
Everybody, A S S H O L E

I'm an ***hole and I'm proud of it
(***hole)