Last Christmas I went up, Niceville
For a little vacation, and boy I love Shania Twain
Boy I tell you what, oh she makes me hornier
Than a retard watchin' baywatch

But anyway I read her letter in the hotel room
I had one of these nice fancy hotels
So I tried to seduce her and sent her this letter
This is my letter to Shania and she actually got this letter

Dear Shania, you're finer than hell, I'd eat your turds
You think I'm kiddin', I figured that charmer off the bat
I'd treat you like a prize winnin' hog
And give you the run of my home estate where I live down here

Off the alagator infested lake, tell you what
They caught a big oh sixteen foot long gator
In that lake by me, dats right, we're talkin' world record gator
Tell me now you ain't got hard ******s, from our home stay

Tell you what Shania, I ain't like them Niceville *****s
I'd treat you all the best things life had to offer
Please call me, here, I'm stayin' at the Chugg-A-Lugg Inn
Across from that big muffler joint

Boy I got me one of them wigglin' beds
I tell you what if you want one I'll sperge
And borrow you a couple of quarters, fifty cents will give you
Almost 10 mintues of bed wigglin', you know vibratin'

To let you know I mean business, Shania
'Bout datin' you know and to let ya know that
I ain't know lowlie hard up s***ball
I even closed a couple of gifts in this fancy
Chugg-A-Lugg Inn Hotel envolope

Thats right there's a bunch of coupons
For that fancy Longjohn service restroom down the street
And let me tell you sumethin' and if don't ever use that one coupon
That's in there for extra Hushpuppies

Send that son of a ***** back 'cause I might give that to my sister
And her husband for their anniversary
There's also a Reggan bumper sticker in there
And a bunch of gritch and ***s to get her done lick on tattoos

I had a made up special, I think your fine, now call me
Don't call out tell one o'clock though
'Cause I'm usually on the phone
Talkin' to one of them 900 talk dirty girls

Love in Christ
Larry the cable guy