No, I never was in Vietnam
I never once dove into an empty swimming pool
I never let the carpet walk right out from under me
I never painted a house or a tree

I never did become an exotic dancer
Or a customer service representative
I never took the pulse of a dying duck
Or gave mouth to mouth resuscitation to a horsefly

In a way I suppose you could say
My experience is quite limited, for example
I never locked Oliver Cromwell in a brrom closet
While singing Waltzing Matilda

I never sawed a television in half
Although I once saw Wendy O'Williams saw a guitar
I never played a decent game of jacks
I never played poker with a toothless one eyed pirate

Who kept picking his teeth with a bowie knife
To distract me while his parrot looked over my shoulder
And told him what cards I had by using an elaborate code
Involving vomiting, chirping and sea shanties

I never bought a lamp, wait I did buy a lamp once
But I never bought a lantern or a lambskin profolactic
I never bought Lima beans or lime pudding
I never bought a lion or a Lionel Richie album

I never bought anything beginning with the letter 'L'
Except lollipops, light bulbs and lettuce, and the lamp
I never layed down for a nap
And found the Everly brothers in bed with me
I never let a cyborg take out the garbage

I'm sorry I stole the radio, I did it
I sawed the legs off the periodic table
I re-elected the President, I did it
It was my fault, I farted in the church
I'm sorry I did many many bad things
And I am so sorry