If I was your TV I'd be like,'Look at me'
If I was a shootin' star I'd be like,'Peace'
If I was a fat *****es thong I'd be like,'Hell naw'
If I was a hotties thong I'd be like,'Aww'

If I was a cuss word I'd just be like,'***k'
If I was a rock on the moon I'd be chillin' like,'Sup?'
If I was a ******** I'd just be an exit
If I was the D.O.C. I'd be like,'Man this is ********'

If I was the tires on your car I'd be like,'Neaw'
If I was the bumper on your car I'd be like,'Aww ***k'
If I was a balloon I'd be like,'Pap'
If I was Allysa Milano I'd be ***kin' Joe Bruce

If I was a radio DJ I'd probably say,'The point 103'
If I was a richy *** ***** I'd be like,'Umm, okay'
If I was Spin' magazine I'd put me on the cover and be like,'***k us
And all our readers, even us mother***ker'

If I was your mental stress I'd be catchin' up
If I was your headaches every now and then I'd be like,'Thonk'
If I was your tongue I'd be hatin' your teeth
I'd be like,'Man why do you try to bite me every time we try to eat?'

If I was a chair I'd be like,'Sit here'
If I was Kid Rock I'd cut my feathered wolf hair
If I was your muffler I'd be like,'Shhh, quietly'
If I was a price tag I'd be like,'You ain't buyin' me'

If I was a fresh *** DJ I'd be like
If I was Jam Master J I'd be like
If I was a cheap clock radio I'd be like
'Tune that mother***ker in'

If I was Barry White I'd be like,'What up y'all?'
If I was ****** in the cold I'd be like
If I was your dead uncle I'd be like'
If I was a raindrop I'd just be like
And If I had an ax to your neck I might say,'Chop'

If I was, if I was, but I'll never be
If I was, if I was, but I'll never be
If I was, if I was, but I'll never be
If I was, if I was, but I'll never be
If I was, if I was, but you're killin' me
If I was, if I was, but you're killin' me

If I was a Faygo at one of our shows
I'd fly through the air into and ocean of juggalos
If I was Andre The Giant,'This is how I'd be talking'
If I was Father MC I'd be like,'Now what happened?'

If I was a mirror, I'd find another mirror
And look each other dead in the eye, crystal clear
If I was a slider I'd slide out your butt
I'd be floatin' in your toilet lookin' at you like,'What?'

If I was a pilot I'd be like,'This is air traffic control'
If I was John Denver I'd be like,'No'
If I was a switch I'd be like,'Flick me, yoo-hoo'
If I was a London cop car I'd be like,'Wee-oop wee-oop'

If I was Chewbacca I'd get a fresh *** fade
If I was Vanilla Ice I'd be like,'***k y'all, I'm still paid'
If I was a stop sign I'd just be like,'Stop'
If I was your wooden leg I'd still be givin' you the hip-hop

If I was, if I was, but I'll never be
If I was, if I was, but I'll never be
If I was, if I was, but I'll never be
If I was, if I was, but I'll never be
If I was, if I was, but you're killin' me
If I was, if I was, but you're killin' me
If I was, if I was, but I'll never be
If I was, if I was, but I'll never be