I want men that I can please
That I can squeeze, that I can tease
Two or three or four or more
What are those fools waiting for?
I want love and I want kissing
I want more of what I'm missing

Nobody comes knocking at my front door
What do they think my knocker's for?
If they don't come soon there won't be anymore
What can the matter be?

I wash my clothes with Lux
My etiquette's the best
I spend my hard-earned bucks
On just what the ads suggest
Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Nobody makes a pass at me

I'm full of Kellogg's bran
I eat grape nuts on the sly
The date is on the can
Of the coffee that I buy
Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Nobody makes a pass at me

Oh, Beatrice Fairfax
Give me the bare facts
How do you make them fall?
If you don't save me
The things the Lord gave me
Never will be any use to me at all

I sprinkle on a dash
Of Fragrance d'Amour
The ads say 'Makes Men Rash'
But I guess their smell is poor
Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Nobody makes a pass at me

I use Ovaltine and Listerine
Barbasol and Musterole
Lifebuoy soap and Flit
So why I not got it?

I use Coca-Cola and Marmola
Crisco, Lesco and Mazola
Exlax and Vapex
So why ain't I not got sex?

I use Albolene and Maybelline
Alka-Seltzer, Bromo-Seltzer
Odorono and Sensation
So why ain't I not got fascination?

My Girdles come from Best
The Times ads say 'They're Chick'
And up above I'm dressed
In the brassier of the week, oh
Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Nobody makes a pass at me

I use Pond's on my skin
With rye-crisp I have thinned
I get my culture in
I began 'Gone With The Wind'
Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Nobody makes a pass at me

Oh Dorothy Dix
Please, show me some tricks
Please, I want some men to hold
I want attention and things I can't mention
And I want them all before I get too old

I use Mum everyday and Angelus Liplure
But still men stay away just like Ivory soap
I'm 99 and 44, one hundred percent pure
What can the matter be?
Nobody makes a pass at me
I don't know, oh dear