Ladies and Gentlemen, due to illness
Tonight the part of Denis Leary
Will be played by Denis Leary
And now welcome Denis Leary

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
And ***k you

There's a guy, I don't know if you've heard about this guy
He's been on the news a lot lately
There's a guy, he's English
I don't think we should hold that against him

But apparently this is just his life's dream
Because he is going from country to country
He has a senate hearing in this country
Coming up in a couple of weeks
And this is what he wants to do

He wants to make the warnings on the packs bigger
Yeah, he wants the whole front of the pack to be the warning
Like the problem is we just haven't noticed yet, right?
Like he's going to get his way and all of the sudden
Smokers around the world are going to be going
'Yeah, Bill, I've got some cigarettes

Holy ****, these things are bad for you
****, I thought they were good for you
I thought they had Vitamin C in them and stuff
You ***king dolt, doesn't matter how big the warnings are

You could have cigarettes that were called the warnings
You could have cigarettes that come in a black pack
With a skull and a cross bone on the front

Called tumors and smokers would be lined up
Around the block going, 'I can't wait to get my hands
On these ***king things
I bet you get a tumor as soon as you light up'

Doesn't matter how big the warnings are
Or how much they cost
Keep raising the prices, we'll break into your houses
To get the ***king cigarettes, okay?
There a drug, we're addicted, okay?

I'm a little hyped up tonight, little hyped up
Smoked a nice big fat bag of crack right before the show
I'm only kidding folks, I would never do crack
I would never do a drug named
After a part of my own ***, okay folks