I always thought my movie would be a comedy
Not quite the tragedy that it's become
More slapstick than chick-flick
More 'Caddyshack' than 'Breakfast At Tiffany's'

So, thank me at the podium
For a lifetime of contribution
Turn on the cameras, someone cue the extras
Hair and makeup, to the set

Because the big screen's calling
Final casting call
It's your big shot, baby
You're the next big star

Of another stupid movie
'Bout a guy with a broken heart
Who's falling apart

You're headed for the cutting room floor
(Headed for the cutting room floor)
And in the sequel, honey
I'm the guy who gets the girl

So if you miss my movie, get the DVD
Check out the chemistry between you and me
Less 'Raising Arizona'
More 'Steel Magnolias'

So when you walk down that red carpet
I hope you trip and fall
I hope someone squirts you with a water gun
A super soaker filled with pee

Because the big screen's calling
Final casting call
It's your big shot, baby
You're the next big star

Of another stupid movie
'Bout a guy with a broken heart
Who's falling apart

You're headed for the cutting room floor
(Headed for the cutting room floor)
And in the sequel, honey
I'm the guy who gets the girl

All apologies to Kevin Costner
And that chick from 'Monster'
Give me Adam Sandler, Will Ferrell
Belushi and even Val Kilmer
He was funny in 'Real Genius'

What about 'Top Gun'?
No, 'Top Gun' wasn't funny, whatever
'Top Secret' was funny too
But he sucked as Batman

Because the big screen's calling
Final casting call
It's your big shot, baby
You're the next big star

Of another dumb movie
'Bout a guy with a broken heart
I'm falling apart

Steven Spielberg's calling
And he's sending a car
It's your big shot, baby
You're the next big star

Of another stupid movie
'Bout a guy with a broken heart
Who's falling apart

You're headed for the cutting room floor
(Headed for the cutting room floor)
And in the sequel, honey
I'm the guy who gets the girl

Who gets the girl
I'm the guy that gets the girl
(Adam Sandler, Will Ferrel, Belushi and Akroid)
Who gets the girl
(Chris Farley, Bill Murray in Stripes)
I'm the guy that gets the girl

(Eddie Murphy 'til 90, Chris Rock and John Candy)
Who gets the girl
(The cast of Hollywood Knights)
I'm the guy that gets the girl

(Mike Myers, Jim Carry and the Farelly Brothers)
Who gets the girl
(Are more my style)
I'm the guy that gets the girl

(Terms Of Endearment, I didn't get it)
Who gets the girl
(I'd much rather shut up and smile)
I'm the guy that gets the girl

(Adam Sandler, Will Ferrel, Belushi and Akroid)
Who gets the girl
(Chris Farley, Bill Murray in Stripes)
I'm the guy that gets the girl

(Eddie Murphy 'til 90, Chris Rock and John Candy)
Who gets the girl
(The cast of Hollywood Knights)
I'm the guy that gets the girl