If the folks next door to me weren't so good
I'd do all the mean things anybody could
I'd drink an' I'd gamble an' I'd louse around
I'd be the meanest man in this whole town

If I hadn't seen the light in that old lady's eyes
I'd try to be a man you would hate an' despise
I'd rave an' I'd rant an' I'd scream an' yell
An' I'd chase my neighbors from here to Hell

If I hadn't heard those kids laugh playing games
I'd have nervous fits, I'd go insane
I'd turpentine cats an' tin can dogs
I'd smother people to death inside of hollow logs

If the people around me wasn't so nice
I'd freeze my heart into a cake of ice
Steal money from soldiers an' working folks too
I'd lend you a dollar an' I'll take back two

If my wife didn't kiss me the way she does
I'd carry four or five daggers an' three or four guns
I'd shoot craps an' ramble an' hang out late
I'd steal baby buggies an' Cadillac Eights

If my friends didn't write me those letters I get
I'd be a dictator, the worse one yet
I'd be the only smart bird, you'd all be fools
Send you all away to war an' I'd stay home an' rule

If it wasn't for little songs I, I hear you all sing
I'd put a crown on my dome an' I'd say I'm your king
I'd kidnap some an' blackmail others
I'd peddle black market stuff, rob sisters an' brothers

If it weren't for your talking I hear on the street
I'd be the orneriest man that you ever did meet
I'd preach the Gospel of Hate an' I'd drink your blood
But I can't be this bad because my folks are too good

No I can't be this bad because my folks are too good
I'd have to shout it out loud, 'My folks are too good'