Ho, ho, ho, play it gran**a
Yeah, play it, let's tell them a little story
About what happened this Christmas
Yeah, tell them, tell 'em 'bout Christmas

Christmas eve, I didn't get much sleep
I kept hearing things, heavy breathing from the chimney
Who could it be?

I'll tell you what it was
What happened then, Ben? Yeah, what happened?
Well, I went back to sleep
You went back to sleep? Back to sleep?
**** tired man, went back to sleep

And in the morning, I couldn't believe my eyes
A whale of a corpe with a long white beard
Was dangling over the fire

Oh, Santa he's a big fat ***k
Went down the chimney got his fat *** stuck
Oh, honey, call the lawyers fast
'Cause Mrs. Clause is gonna sue my ***
Hey, hey, hey

Okay gran**a, step up
Sing in this thing right here
Tell 'em what you saw
Tell 'em what you saw gran**a

I gotta tell you folks
He wasn't wearin' no clothes
He musta rubbed a whole gallon of Crisco oil
From his back down to his toes

While I was talking to the cops outside
The dog was lickin' Crisco off of his thighs
They hauled him away in a double wide
What a sad, sad way to die
Hey, hey, hey

Santa, he's a big, fat ***k
Went down the chimney, got his fat ***
Oh, honey call the lawyers fast
Mrs. Claus is gonna sue our ***