If you're always stealing goodies from a big department store
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst
If your pocket's full of little things you've never owned before
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst

If somebody says, 'Good Morning' and politely tips his hat
And you frown and say, 'I wonder what he really meant by that'
If you're walking down the sidewalk and you won't step on a crack
You're afraid if you step on a crack, you'll break your mother's back

If you're at the philharmonic and you start to do the twist
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst
You need an analyst, you need an analyst
We really must insist that you see an analyst

If you're freezing or you're sweating from imaginary ills
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst
If it takes an IBM machine to classify your pills
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst

If you tiptoe into bed and you're as quiet as a mouse
But the bed you tiptoe into is in someone else's house
If you have a brand new raincoat and of it you're very fond
In fact, you'd rather be alone with it than with a blond

If you wear your wristwatch on your feet and stockings on your wrist
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst
You need an analyst, you need an analyst
We really must insist that you see an analyst

If you're always tearing paper into teeny weeny bits
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst
If you've got a secret closet full of pomegranate pits
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst

If they ask you what your name is and you answer Bonaparte
If you dig those daffy doodles that are known as modern art
If you're walking down the street and then you stop to tie your shoes
And you tie them to each other as you hum Saint Louis blues

Or if you're forty-six years old and never have been kissed
Go kiss an analyst, a psychoanalyst
Go kiss an analyst, go kiss an analyst
We really must insist that you kiss an analyst

If you're always having arguments when no one else is there
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst
And whenever you are angry, if you kick your teddy bear
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst

If you dream you've got a purple dragon next to you in bed
And you wake up and your dragon isn't purple, it is red
If you eat those little prizes and you save the crackerjacks
If you really think they're ever gonna cut the income tax

You need an analyst
You need, I need
He needs, we need
Everybody needs an analyst