I should never have gone to the theater
Then I'd never have come to the country
If I never had come to the country
Matters might have stayed as they were

Sir, sir, if she'd only been faded, if she'd only been fat
If she'd only been jaded and bursting with chat
If she'd only been perfectly awful
It would have been wonderful

If, if, if she'd been on a twitter or elusively cold
If she'd only been bitter or better, looked passably old
If she'd been covered with glitter or even been covered with mold
It would have been wonderful

But the woman was perfection to my deepest dismay
Well, not quite perfection, I'm sorry to say
If the woman were perfection, she would go away
And that would be wonderful

Sir, sir, if she'd only looked flustered or admitted the worst
If she only had blustered or simpered or cursed
If she weren't so awfully perfect
It would have been wonderful

If, if, if she'd tried to be clever, if she'd started to flinch
If she'd cried or whatever, a woman would do in a pinch
If I'd been certain she never again could be trusted an inch
It would have been wonderful

But the woman was perfection, not an action denied
The kind of perfection I cannot abide
If the woman were perfection, she'd have simply lied
Which would have been wonderful

If she'd only been vicious, if she'd acted abused
Or a bit too delicious, or been even slightly confused
If she had only been sulky or bristling, or bulky, or bruised
It would have been wonderful

If, if, if she'd only been willful, if she only had fled
Or a little less skillful, insulted, insisting in bed
If she had only been fearful or married, or tearful, or dead
It would have been wonderful

But the woman was perfection and the prospects are grim
That lovely perfection that nothing can dim
Yes, the woman was perfection so I'm here with him
Sir, sir, it would have been wonderful